I’m years away from needing to help the Kraken figure out girls, or boys, or both, or neither. But that can’t stop me for one minute from reflecting on all the amazing advice I shall one day bestow upon him, while he sits rapt beside me, deeply pondering my words and taking everything to heart.

Okay, my actual plan is to trap him in a restaurant or somewhere else where he has an assigned seat next to me, somewhere he can’t escape because I’m also his ride. I’m telling you, I’ve thought this through.

So! What wisdom can I pass down unto my offspring? As hormones and social pressures pull my baby away from me, what can I do to help him on his way? What do I wish I had known, once upon a time?

Everyone else is a person too.

You know what would make the world a better place? If we just remember that the object of our affections is a person, with feelings that you might not even know about. I know! It’s a pretty wild notion, especially when you’re a teenager. In fact, I’m pretty sure Science has proven that teenagers aren’t capable of this yet. So, uh, I guess just try your hardest, against an impossible battle, toward an unachievable goal?

The reason for knowing other people are, well, people, is twofold. One, it makes asking someone out way less scarier. Think about it: if someone asked you out, even if they were the weirdest, smelliest, most unattractive person you’ve ever met, you’d still be flattered, because hey! Someone likes you! Conversely, when you ask someone out, sure they might say no, which sucks like a Hoover, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. Just forlorn that after months of imagining the children you’re going to have someday with your crush, it turns out your crush didn’t get the memo.

Okay, so asking people out is still crazy hard. But maybe thinking about their perspective makes it 10% less so?

Probably not.

**sigh**

Well there’s another good reason to remember everyone has their own feelings and lives! And that leads me into my next point:

Don’t be a douchebag.

Over the course of a lifetime if you don’t break hearts, and get yours broken, you’re probably not taking very many risks. And when complicated feelings get involved, it’s really hard to think clearly.

But I swear on my copy of the Hamiltome, if I find out my child was an asshole to someone, there will be consequences.

Be like your father.

He’s a sweet, loving, supportive partner, who tries really hard to have an egalitarian relationship at all times. He respects the people around him, and he makes sure they know it.

Don’t be like your father.

He thinks he’s got game, but that “game” was mostly comprised of being friends with girls for years before actually making any kind of move. He will tell you this is the most effective course of action, when in fact it really isn’t.

Go ahead, ask me how I know.

Sex is awesome.

I think we can mostly agree on this point, no?

Sex deserves respect.

Yes, it’s entirely possible to remove emotions from sex, but honestly? That sex is bad sex. And if you have sex with someone multiple times, however many discussions you had about Not Having Feelings… there will be Feelings. I promise. There are a lot of experiences in this world that bond people. Near death experiences. Working closely together. Going to a Madonna concert. But yo, people make countless movies about sex leading to Feelings and Bonding for a very good reason.

Oh yeah, and also? Protection. Even if you’re in love and 100% sure that there are absolutely no STDs involved (and how can you ever actually know that?), babies are a BIG DEAL. And I will make sure you are as equally trapped in the trauma of pregnancy as she is. Promise.

Hopefully by now I’m making you uncomfortable.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Labia, nipples, perineum. I’m pretty sure the primary reason I reproduced was so one day I could make an awkward teenager uncomfortable.

Date your best friend.

Okay, I don’t mean, like, turn to your current best friend and start making out with him/her/they. Unless that’s secretly been building up between the two of you, in which case, hey, awesome? Though maybe a little awkward for the people around you, who are suddenly stuck in a car with people sucking face?

What I mean is that if you’re very, very lucky, the person you love is also a person you like, that when you’re not busy groping each other you’ll also have a lot of fun just hanging out. That’s the end goal here. Find someone you want to smooch, but also someone you know will have your back when you’re trapped at a truly, devestatingly boring party.

Tell me everything.

As you can see, I’m here to be supportive and have an open dialogue, and, unless your’s a turd to someone, I promise not to judge you. And if you are a douche canoe to someone, well, at least I’ll try to help you fix it?

After giving you my longest, most disappointed mom-glare, of course. Don’t worry, I practice in the mirror after you go to bed.

Maybe not everything. 

Obviously.

You’re so much younger than you think you are.

I’m ending on a broad point here, but it’s so true. Life is not as serious as you think it is, whatever wounds you get will heal with time, and a few months really isn’t all that long. Your brain is still half-formed, and nature basically designed you to make as many bad choices as possible, so you kind of have to fight against yourself for the next several years.

Go out into the dating world knowing that it’s plenty of fun, but also mostly people crying and writing emo poetry.

Hmm. Come to think of it, my experiences might be a little skewed.

You should probably just ignore all this advice.