Life Hacks Don’t Exist, But Here Are Some Swell Ideas

The phrase “life hack” kind of gives me hives (probably because I’m married to a geek, and therefore have to know things like what “hacking” actually is), so I refuse to have anything to do with it.

Unless there are random numbers and useless code floating mysteriously over your head, you’re not a hacker.

That being said, here are things that make my life easier/better/less likely to end in a blazing inferno of my own making!

Cold Brew

Unless you’ve made a solemn vow against caffeine, you need to know about this. Not only does cold brew taste better, but it’s stupid-easy. Like, the few times we forget to make cold brew, making coffee the traditional way seems like suuuuuuuuch a chore. Can’t I always have a pitcher of coffee waiting for me when I wake up?

Yes, I can. Because cold brew.

In case you’re wondering how this miracle can happen in your life, follow these simple steps:

  1. Buy this thing. 
  2. Fill the middle bit with coffee grounds, and the whole pitcher with water.
  3. Let it steep as long as you like your coffee to be strong. Overnight’s a good goal.
  4. Pull out the middle bit.
  5. COFFEE!!!!

Actually seeing a picture of someone with a coffee IV is a lot more disturbing than I imagined it would be.


This shit literally looks good on everyone. Want to look like you’re just a naturally glowing, healthy person? Want a little color, but also want to be able to cover your significant other/child/pet poodle in smooches? Traveling and working with limited room? Just plain lazy like me?

Get it. Use it. Love it.

Unless you’re a man, I guess, but I won’t judge the gentlemen for falling in love with it too.

Because everyone deserves to look this good.

Cotton Underwear

I spent years of my life with weird, fanciful, often hilarious underwear, but you know what? Silver lamé doesn’t breathe, and it turns out your body doesn’t like it if you trap your altogether with its own secretions all day.

Yes, I said secretions.

If you want me to stop, go get some cotton underwear, and we’ll never speak of this again.

They don’t sell the underwear any more, but fear not! Now there’s a whole BODYSUIT!

Parmesan Cheese

Specifically on roast vegetables. You want to make every single person in the room think you’re a god damned Michelin Star chef? Toss whatever you’ve got in olive oil, garlic, and parmesan cheese. You can do it right on your baking pan, and you don’t even need to get a bowl dirty! Bake it at 425-ish (or wherever you like to roast veggies) until you get worried you’ve burned it.

Crispy, salty, garlic-y deliciousness. Oh yeah, and vegetables, I guess.

Okay, truth time: cheese makes everything better, always.

Coloring Books

There was a Christmas a few years back when everyone, without coordination, separately decided to give me coloring books. And they were all correct. Sometimes, you just want to watch gentle British baking, and color.

And fantasize about being BFFs with Mary Berry.

Self-Watering Plants

There are a million self-watering pots out there, but you can make a cheap-and-lazy version by taking some cotton string and burying one endof it into wherever you have a plant that needs water. Take the other end, and put it in a jar of water. That’s it. 

Make the laws of physics your bitch in the name of a healthy crop of basil.

This will be your life in no time!

Good Sheets

This isn’t even a “life hack,” just a reminder that you deserve good sheets. They’ll make the whole world seem a little more hopeful.

More advice: never get out of bed again.


Sometimes you can’t (or elect not to) drink. Add a few drops of bitters – yes, I know, technically they contain alcohol, but for most people a few drops won’t hurt – to your ginger ale. Or your apple cider. Or any juice + fizzy water combo. Not only does it make you feel less like you belong at the kids’ table, but I promise you, no matter where you are, you now have the tastiest beverage in the room. Seriously. I might make myself one right now!


Know When To Stop

I’m sure I’m leaving out plenty of things that are great, but my last life hack is the most important one of all. So I’m going to follow my own advice.

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