Are Single Children The Worst?

Full disclosure: I have a brother. My husband has a brother. Basically everyone in my friend group has brothers, actually, now that I think about it. That’s… pretty weird, actually. Where the sisters at? Anyway, the point is, I don’t come with a lot of built-in experience about only children, other than presuming they’re automatically self-centered, awful people, and suspecting that most CEOs were once only children. And also psychopaths. That too. Are most psychopaths only children? I think, somewhere in the back of my brain, I sort of thought so? Not that I thought psychopathy was a guarantee if you didn’t reproduce more than once… just that it probably upped the odds.

"I could destroy you all on a whim, puny mortals."

OBVIOUSLY I’m a super thoughtful, fair-minded human being who really thinks through all my opinions.

So here’s the thing. I’ve gone and reproduced once, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. No, seriously, let me repeat that: THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER DONE. I pretty much lost three years of my life, almost four if you count the pregnancy from hell. My brain is usually on delicate footing to begin with (though my old Roommate can tell some genuinely hilarious stories about the time I was tripping balls off brain meds in the grocery store), so for some reason enormous physical, psychological, and practical upheaval of everything I know to be true about myself was slightly troubling. Who’d have thought? They should really warn you about these things.

This is where I should admit that I actually said out loud that I was ready for my life to be completely uprooted and overhauled, that that was actually something I wanted.

Stupid, naive Past Me. When will you ever learn?


The point here is that the spawn is in school a few hours a week, and he’s capable of speaking in more or less complete sentences, even if I can’t always understand what they are. We’ve got a schedule and a support system and life kind of sort of a little bit worked out.


Not that I’m superstitious or anything.

But. But. The time is looming when we’ve got to decide if this is it. Is this the only little cretin we’re going to bring into this world? Which makes me sound like I want another, but I’m not sure that I do.


The child is the only child, only nephew, and only grandchild. He thinks he’s the center of the universe because, in all fairness, he basically is. He went trick or treating rolling five deep in his posse of adoring adults taking pictures of his every move. So yeah, I kind of see how some of my stereotypes about only children could come true. I mean, sure, I can say till the cows come home that we’ll try not to make him the center of existence, to make sure he knows he’s not the only person in the world, but let’s be clear about one thing: I am not capable of actually doing that. Having to share Mommy with a sibling would teach him that he’s only 50% of the galaxy, which, hey, at least that’s progress!

world revolves around me

Considering how long it took us to figure out the earth revolves around the sun, it could be a couple of millennia before he realizes this diagram is wrong too.

We already know how to handle a baby. Sort of. A little. Okay, we know nothing, but at least I probably wouldn’t cry and think s/he had a concussion after a minor head bonk? Maybe?

Literally the look on my face for the rest of the day.

When we’re old, there would be two of them to deal with our ever-mounting list of unreasonable old people demands. I plan to be a completely obnoxious, eccentric old lady with an extensive hat collection.

eccentric old lady

This broad knows how to live!

I really like having a brother. I know not everyone does, but I was lucky, and I’ve got a rad little brother who I genuinely enjoy hanging out with. Being a Big Sister is an important part of my identity. I can’t think of anything sarcastic to say about this one.

We always got along like perfect angels!
(don’t ask my mom)

I’m going to repeat my point from earlier, because it’s kind of the biggest one for me: Having a sibling might make you less of a dick. Or at least make it easier for me to raise less of a dick, which is basically the same thing.


Ummmm… I almost feel like they don’t need to be listed? I mean, come on! Babies are the worst!! I know, they smell good and can be pretty hilarious and cute, but they also need you 100% of the time, while literally draining you of life force via the boob, and generally refusing to contribute to society.

All babies are secretly harboring evil deep within.

I’m a terrible mother, aren’t I?

Everyone I talk to says a second kid isn’t 2x the work, it’s 10x the work. And I can barely keep up with 1x the work as it is! Do you know the last time this place was vacuumed? Because I sure as hell don’t. I also really enjoy the fact that I can still sit down and have a cup of coffee and write terrible thoughts down on the internet for all the world to read. I think that tiny, minuscule sliver of freedom goes out the window with another person to keep alive.

And when I say **A** cup of coffee, I really mean…

How do people juggle two schedules? I don’t even understand how you can have a baby’s sleep schedule and a preschooler’s sleep schedule, at the same time. That makes no sense to me, and I’m pretty sure everyone who claims it “just works out” is lying.

Pregnancy sucks monkey balls, and I would literally rather train for a marathon than go through that again. If you knew how deeply I loathe running, you would understand.

Just the worst.

Childcare, yo! Honestly, I think I could deal with all the stuff, if I knew that after the first year or so I could put the offspring in daycare at least part time, for all of our sakes, but have you SEEN the cost of childcare? We would be paying for two kids to be in school at once, and god dammit, I don’t even know how that’s mathematically an option for people.

Ironically, this is the only solution I can think of.

Most importantly: what if the second kid isn’t as stunningly awesome as the first? What if s/he doesn’t want to curl up and read about dinosaurs and Norse myths for hours on end? I don’t even want to know what it’s like to parent without the Vikings to back me up.

Above: All of his dreams coming true.

So there we have it. A whole series of relatively irrational points, with little to no cohesion, and no system for balancing them out. Instead I think I’ll just go and obsessively lose sleep, thinking in circles about it without coming up with any new thoughts or conclusions.

That seems like the healthiest option right now.

One thought on “Are Single Children The Worst?

  1. I’m glad I’m not the only one weighing the pros and cons of both options. I don’t know anyone who is an only child but I have similar stereotypes for what they would be like. On the other hand everyone I know has at least one sibling and most of them enjoyed that but I didn’t. My sister was too cool for me once she turned 13 and we didn’t talk for close to 12 years later but by that time we just won’t ever be as close as I had only dreamed of. I would have done better without a sibling than always wondering what was so wrong with me that my sister didn’t want to be around. Anyways, I don’t want my daughter to go through that but at the same time maybe she would really enjoy having a sibling. It’s really too much to deal with still because my daughter still won’t go down for her bedtime and is crying at this moment. I guess we’ll know when it’s time, have a lapse in judgement and think I want a baby again. Who knows. I know that whatever happens though God will give you and I what’s needed to get through it, which is the only way I know how I lived through labor!

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