I’ve been on this planet three and a half decades now, and somehow I’ve managed to learn next to nothing. That’s why the few things I have figured out are so desperately important to me. I give you, in no particular order, the minor miracles I’ve figured out to get me through the day:

1. Always make sure to clean the Play-Doh off your hands before putting your contacts in. (I learned that one just this morning!)
   

   I was looking for a picture of Play Doh on someone’s hands, and found this.

2. Generally speaking, always make sure to clean your hands before putting your contacts in.
3. If you’ve been cutting up hot peppers ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO CLEAN YOUR HANDS BEFORE PUTTING YOUR CONTACTS IN.
4. Coffee might be your entire raison d’etre, but your stomach lining will eventually disagree.
5. Red shoes make every outfit look intentional and stylish. Unless they’re ruby slippers. Unless-unless it’s Halloween. There are a lot of red shoe rules.
   

   Seriously though. Just think about it.

6. Being a grown up is all about strategizing so you have as few dishes to wash later as possible.
7. People generally do not want to be kissed when you’re wearing bright lipstick. Kissing people is pretty awesome. Therefore, lipstick is not worth it 99.5% of the time.
   

   But it looks so sexy!

8. Eat your vegetables. Preferably roasted with lots of garlic and olive oil.
9. The internet is forever. But maybe that’s a good thing; I’ll never be tempted to ruin my life and run for political office!
10. Baby wipes are god’s way of saying that she loves us and wants us to be able to clean up any and all messes quickly and easily.
    

    “You’re welcome!”

11. If you want to hear a really good story get a History major drunk, and ask them about their favorite historical figure.
12. People get really excited when you bake them fresh bread. Master a basic recipe, and you’ll have complete control over everyone around you.
13. Trader Joe’s has a seemingly unlimited supply of perfectly delicious wine for $3.99. Spend the extra buck to upgrade from Charles Shaw. You’re worth it. 
14. If you have any control over your life, try to get your hands on a soaking tub.
    

    I Googled “relaxing bath” and found this rabbit. He knows what’s up.

15. You will never fully appreciate the miracle that is modern medicine until you’re pregnant with a bad head cold, and can’t take anything for it. I’ll never take you for granted again, Dayquil!
16. It’s way easier to just pick up a little every day, rather than have to do a mega-clean once a week. But it’s even easier to never clean at all, and live in squalor.
    

    If I won the lottery I would literally spend all of it on paying other people to clean my shit up for me.

17. If you’re someone who wears a bra every day, make sure it fits properly.
18. Drink more water than you think you need.
19. Grown up coloring books are seriously the bomb. 
20. Sunscreen is actually a pretty good idea. (apologies to all the well-meaning people in my life who toiled fruitlessly for so many years to get this through my thick skull)
    

    “I never wore sunscreen a day in my life!”