I’m one of those people.

You know the ones I’m talking about.

People who like snakes.

I volunteered at a nature center in high school, and wound up in charge of the lizard-bug-turtle-snake room, possibly because I was so obviously trustworthy and qualified, but probably because no one else wanted to do it. Either way, it meant that I got to wander around wearing my favorite snake like some sort of gently massaging body jewelry, all in the name of… uh… teaching children? Or something?

The point is, I’m coming from a place where I think snakes have been maligned and misrepresented as heartless killing machines. They’re just doing what thousands of years of evolution bred them to do! Why can’t we all just get along?

Then, last night, I watched Planet Earth II, because David Attenborough is pretty much the best thing humanity has ever produced, and, well, this happened:

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. WHAT THE SHIT JUST HAPPENED?

I feel several things need to be addressed here.

1. Motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane aren’t anywhere near as bad as non-swearing snakes on a Galapagos island. Sorry, Samuel L Jackson.
2. Baby iguanas are born already looking like extremely tiny, fully formed dragons.
3. Snakes hunting en masse are now my worst nightmare, and will haunt me for all of my days.
4. Iguanas are hilarious when they run, and there should probably be an Animal Planet show that’s just a half hour of iguanas running. I’d watch it!
5. There is nothing quite so satisfying as watching an iguana kick a snake in the head.

So now I have to reevaluate all my life choices; obviously things can never go back to where they once were. Never again will I be able to look at a snake without secretly wondering if it’s just waiting for the rest of its horde before they can launch a surprise attack.

What next? Where do I go from here? My heart will always be a newborn dragon-iguana, running like a maniac from a circle of hell come to life on earth. Go little guy, go!

I guess there’s only one thing for it.

We’re going to have to adopt every iguana off that batshit island, and keep them safe with us. I’m sure our apartment is big enough!