Things I’ve explained to my three year old today:

• Don’t eat dirt.
• Heat. Like, the Platonic ideal of heat. I resisted telling him, “To burn all this bullshit to the ground!” But I thought it.
• People don’t like it when you spit in their mouths. Yes, even if you keep asking.
• What blackmail is, the word “cretin,” what VCRs were, why brain surgery shouldn’t be performed with a saw, and that bats aren’t bugs. We’ve been reading a lot of Calvin & Hobbes lately.