7 Reasons I *Heart* Etsy

Oh, Etsy. Yon bastion of all things that cannot be sold in real stores (and a few that can), you have so many redeeming qualities, but then there’s your Dark Side. The side that is full of the strange and wonderful. The side that makes you wonder what these people are doing with their lives. The side that makes you secretly covetous of wine racks made of raccoon bones, because it would make your house the coolest on the block come Halloween.

I went down the rabbit hole this afternoon, and resurfaced a better person for knowing about these priceless treasures:

 

 Taxidermy Duckling Mounted on Leather (€30)

he's got a tiny bowler!

taxidermied duckling will cut a bitch

I’m being generous here and starting you out easy. I mean, when you think of “weird shit you can buy on the internet” strangely taxidermied creatures pursuing various professions whilst wearing comical hats kind of just springs to mind, right?

 

 Mole Pinata ($20)

Happy Birthday Timmy!

I’m not sure if it’s the strange sort of fuzzy effect, the eerie mid-air floating, or the disturbingly realistic dirty claws, but I somehow feel like I won’t be sleeping soundly tonight.

 

Quick SAVE the BABEE from the Gator ($175)

Quick SAVE the BABEE from the Gator

+10 points to this Etsy seller for getting the doll drunk first

On the one hand, clearly this person has a sense of humor. On the other hand, $175 for a doll stuck in a dessicated alligator head.

 

Bull Scrotum Bag ($24.50)

real animal fur nut sack part

great, now I’m gonna have the lyrics “I wish I was a baller” stuck in my head for the rest of the day

Look. I’ll admit it. I’m not a nice person. And sometimes I try to encourage certain gentlemen of my friends’ acquaintances to fear me. Or rather, fear my wrath if they should ever make said friends cry. I feel like owning this would go a long way towards helping my street cred, is what I’m saying.

 

Mildred ($85)

this is a mascot ready for your adoption

oh Mildred, never get Lasic.

I want this on my wall for so many reasons. One is the face Mildred is making, kind of like, “OoooOOOOooooOOOOooooh?” Another is the tragic lack of antlers in my decor. But my biggest reason for coveting this fine work of art is that in the process of making and mounting it the artist got attached enough to name it. And that that name is Mildred.

 

Embalming Fluid ($12)

Cabinet of Curiosity Apothecary Poison Medicine Oddity Vampire

“Distilled Co-Pounded & Sealed by the Egyptian Chemical Co. Boston Mass”

I want to keep this in my medicine cabinet, for when guests inevitably go snooping through my stuff.

 

Hummingbird Feeder Helmet ($37)

bonus: provides needed safety measures from vicious hummingbird attacks

I love this guy. I love everything about him. I love how he’s all, “Fuck it, I’m heading out the door today with my HUMMINGBIRD FEEDER HELMET.”

Also, they’ve thoughtfully provided an illustrative youtube video:

 

…and there’s no way I can top hummingbird guy. Have a good weekend!

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