The Kraken has a second friend! Friend #2! It’s a minor miracle, you guys!
Okay, actually, he claims he has a friend. I’m still not 100% convinced the other kid knows they’re friends, but I’m not about to burst his tiny, socially confused bubble. It’s okay goblin. You’ll figure out how basic social interactions work eventually. And you’ve definitely got one real, actual friend, and that’s all you really need, right?
My parental anxiety aside, I approve of this potential-second-buddy because he and I share the same deep-seated love of dinosaurs, and I therefore consider him a good influence on my progeny. Not that the spawn wasn’t already into dinosaurs – he’s three – but there’s really no such thing as too many dinosaurs. Or too much knowledge about dinosaurs! Preschool is an age where knowing the difference between a T-Rex and Allosaurus (the latter has an extra finger, OBVIOUSLY!) can make you the coolest kid on the playground.
Actually, I doubt that’s true, because if it was I would have been heeellllllla cool, and anyone can tell you the only time I’ve ever been cool was when I managed to surround myself with dozens of actor-nerds who I conned into thinking Shakespeare was hip.
That should read “whom I conned,” but come on, there’s a time and a place for proper grammar, and that place is in a PhD program.
SEE? I fail at cool.
Back to the point at hand, dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are undeniably great! Also, it’s Friday, and I don’t feel like trying very hard with this blog post, so instead I’m going to show you a bunch of dinosaur stuff! Wheeeeeeeeee!
I won’t blame you if you bail out now.
But I won’t be your friend any more.
Dinosaurs are important.
Here it comes…
My Guide To Including More Dinosaurs In Your Life
Obviously, I’m going to start with ways you can make sure every single person around you knows about your love of dinosaurs. That’s right people, we’re going into dino-chic!
Now, normally I’m against jumpers and everything they stand for, ever since I found out that you have to get basically naked every time you need to pee, but I’m willing to give it a pass when there are stegosauri prancing across it. And seriously, how did the classic pinups miss out on the opportunity to put dinosaurs on their bikinis? Everyone knows boys love two things: a hot girl, a T-Rex! AND THAT SKIRT GLOWS IN THE DARK. And that necklace has a painfully bad joke on it. And! And! And!
What I’m saying is the Cretaceous Period makes you instantly fashionable, and I dare you to prove otherwise.
Fellas, don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you! Here we have everything you need to look your most dashing this holiday season:
Then of course there are the kids. Now, they have the lion’s share of cool clothes, so I’m going to play against type and pick out a few subtle, minimalist pieces. Style with a touch of class. You know, understated. Just like me?
You have to admit, that would be one snazzy wardrobe.
But there’s more to life than clothes! Or so I’m told!
There are also costumes, which aren’t technically clothes because they’re not practical. Except for all the impractical clothes out there. They let you pretend to be someone else? No, regular outfits totally do that too. Huh. I’m not sure if I can tell you the difference between a costume and clothes, but I know it when I see it. Anyway, here’s proof that a dinosaur costume makes everything better:
And, since we’re making everything better, isn’t bigger always better? Here you go!
I’m sure I don’t need to point this out to you, but that T-Rex’s arms are perfectly positioned for waltzing. Just sayin’.
But maybe an enormous stuffed dinosaur is a tad impractical. Maybe you live in a tiny house; I don’t know your life! Fear not, for dinosaurs are totally useful too. Yes, from learning about science to helping your kid understand that he’s got all the same emotions are your average thunder lizard, there’s nothing a dinosaur can’t do.
On the other hand, maybe you live in a mansion, and long to show off your dino-mania to your entire neighborhood! Here we have a solution to all your problems, and a way to keep cool on those hot summer days:
If you look closely, you’ll see that this dinosaur is basically spitting on the children. How refreshing!
At this point, you might be noticing that people love to turn dinosaurs into cuddly cartoon characters. That’s not right! They were fearsome beasts who ruled the earth for hundreds of thousands of years! They’re not supposed to be fun; dinosaurs should be educational!
First off, I’m sure you’re loads of fun at parties, and secondly, I hear you, geeks in the corner. Here you go, your very own scientifically insignificant but still pretty damn cool fossil to call your very own:
Finally, and I really don’t know how to tell you this, but there’s dinosaur erotica. A lot of it. I’m not here to judge, so I’m just going to sit here, silently, not saying a god damn thing about how weird people are. In case you were curious (you know you were curious), here’s one of many, many examples:
Hold on. Can we zoom in on the upper right corner?
INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS. I genuinely cannot think of anything funnier to say than that.