Lies I Will Someday Tell My Children

scientists know NOTHING

Broccoli is actually just an extremely tiny species of tree. The bigger version was once the main staple in the brontosaurus’s diet.

The brontosaurus was so a real dinosaur. (So were triceratops!)

College is basically like Hogwarts, but they don’t start teaching you the cool spells until after you declare your major.

Their godmother really is a fairy, but she lost her ability to perform magic in an ill-advised bet against a leprechaun.

All the stories in the world are written down in the libraries of Timbuktu.

You only get read Shakespeare at bedtime as a reward for being extra-good. Most children are not good, which is why your friends all think this is weird.

he was also a badass with an earring

A piece of chocolate every day will keep you from catching the flu.

Sesame Street is somewhere in Brooklyn.

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